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“At 23:56 on 23rd October 1963, Zambians rose in reverence of the Union Jack, the de facto national flag of the United Kingdom, for the last time as it lowered, signifying the end of British rule in Zambia.”

― Precious Mwansa-Chisa

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I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. As usual I am very confused as to when this article would publish so if it is in the New Year then I wish everyone retrospectively. I pray that 2018 is better for everyone than 2017, which if you ask me was utter nonsense. It was more like 2016S, same as 2016 but worse.

As the festive season arrives I have been online checking out gifts to buy for the loved ones. While doing this I remembered that long back I had written an article about the weirdest things which you can buy online. So I thought it would be a great opportunity to dig for more items sold online and I promise you that I wasn’t disappointed. So here goes weirdest things available to buy online today version 2:

All online websites do a lot of tracking and hence can suggest a lot of products that they think you would like. Somehow the whole of the internet has deduced that I am fat and I get umpteen suggestions on related products every time I log in to any shopping portal. One product which particularly caught my attention was “ABHancer”. I was all excited as the punch line for the same was “Get a 6 pack in seconds”. I take many minutes to even get a 6 pack of Mosi, hence this was very interesting. I further checked the same product and then moved on to the images. So basically imagine a braai foldable grid, the one in which you lock meat up and then place on the stand. It is pretty much the same with a strap and you are supposes to wear it like a belt with the 6 pack grid on your belly. Then somehow you are supposed to have a 6 pack in second. I think what you will have is bruises and clots and in seconds realize that you need to be at an OPD department to have things restored to your existing single family pack. And of course the back of the cover also said “Japanese Invention, certified by Jeff”. I am sure Jeff is the guy who was drinking a lot of alcohol with the Japanese inventor.

Moving on, while browsing for something to do with couples (I always get into trouble that I am married), I came across something which I think would actually end relationships. I am not lying, but in this world that we live in, there is a product called “Long Distance Relationship Pillow”. So before you get confused let me tell you how this works. It is like any other pillow you would have in your house. The difference is that this pair of pillows have a small bulb within them and also can connect to Wi-Fi. Both pillows are paired to each other. So let us say the wife stays in Lusaka and the husband in Kitwe. When both the husband and wife have their heads on the pillows, they light up so that you know that your spouse is also sleeping. This apart from being ridiculous having a light in your pillow when you are trying to get sleep is also like a spouse monitoring machine. If you stay in the toilet a bit too long at night your spouse if going to think you are having an affair with someone. Or maybe you can put a bag of rice on the pillow to avoid that?

The next product is an actual gem and I am sure most outdoorsy Zambian people will want to buy this. I cannot make my mind up if this is brilliant or stupid. The product is a bit difficult to explain so pay attention. It is called “Picnic Pants”. It is basically a pair of jeans which has an extra piece of cloth stitched between the inner thighs of both legs. So basically when you sit on the floor cross legged the piece of cloth stretches and forms a table top kind of surface which you can use to keep things on. I do like the idea, it is very clever. But am not sure if I will put an order in for one. Because when you are not sitting crossed leg on the floor but walking around in the bush, it does look like you have an incontinence sheet stuck between your legs, not sure I could live with that. It would even distract the animals in the bush I would imagine.

Speaking of distracting animals, the next product available online is something I have seen personally with a friend of mine who is also an idiot. He had bought his in America which also doesn’t surprise me. The land and the people of the fast food, the land and people of food, period. I won’t prolong this, it is “Bacon Bandages”. Yes you read it correctly. These are fully medical grade sterile bandages with an extremely real and convincing print of bacon on the outside. So when you do need to cover a wound you can be happy to be reminded of bacon. It actually looks like a piece of raw bacon which has been slapped on you. I will be never able to comprehend as to why this is a good idea but my worry is something else. In Zambia there are many places you can visit where you can interact with rescued wild animals, imagine walking up to a couple of lions with raw bacon sticking on to your arms. The weirder part is that the bandages which my friend has are also ‘Bacon Scented’ on the outside! Wear it and you are basically raw meat walking around.

Staying on the theme the last product for today is simply put “Animal Footprint Shoes”. You can buy shoes or boots with normal soles and then beneath them can have footprints of variety of large animals installed. Unless you are a poacher running away from ZAWA or a complete idiot I do not see the use of the same. I mean why would I want to walk round Kafue National Park leaving footprints of a lion in the process? Is it even a good idea? You have a choice of Gorilla, Lion, Elephant, Zebra, etc. to choose from. While putting down this stupid idea I have just remembered that a friend of mine has travelled to Rwanda to watch ‘Gorillas in the Mist’. Alas, if I would have gifted his Gorilla soled shoes before, there would have been a male silver back on heat who would have gotten all excited and done many unthinkable things to him. Would have been a good gag and laugh.

One product I wanted to mention but don’t have the physical printing space is “Sleep at Work Stickers – Just stick the open eye stickers on your eyes and sleep beneath them, your boss will not realize”. I am sure of that, he will just call the ambulance thinking you are in a coma.

Dooderonomy will resume later, until then goodbye.

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